TOILETS I HAVE MET
It all began with my Great Aunt Clara’s outhouse in the countryside. I do not have any special memories of the house, but I have pictures of its flowery beauty. The outhouse was located just outside of the large farmhouse and we often visited there, and it, when I was a child. I was in Grade School before she had a septic tank, along with a shower, installed. Aunt Clara got around with a walker then so indoor plumbing was a very welcome addition.
For the first six years of my life, we lived in hotels so there is not much to say there. However, during those years I went to the movies at least twice a week and learned to use the toilets in those establishments. Most men will recall that the toilet bowls and urinals were usually full of cigarette butts. Since often the movies I saw were about wars and cowboys (it was the 1940s) I found it very challenging to see if I could “shoot” down the butts open while peeing at them there in the bowls. I got pretty good at it.
Of course, I left this childish game behind me when I became a man. However, when traveling around the world I discovered that Mr. Crapper’s (real name) invention was not always recognizable as one moved from country to country. I recall that when my young son had to have a toilet on our way driving from Athens to Delphi in Greece the only thing available at the roadside café was a hole in the ground. Learning to squat rather than sit was one of his most memorable experiences.
When we were camping here in the US it was often necessary, and helpful, to find a friendly log on which to perch while relieving oneself. Sometimes, however, this technique led to the discovery of an ant’s nest or, worse, a hornet’s nest. And even when camping in “official” campgrounds it was always necessary to remember to bring paper with you. Over time I learned these lessons the hard way. As a youngster, I sometimes came home with a messy pair of pants. Even when living with my Grand folks I found it difficult to ignore my Grand Dad’s jokingly banging on the door and hollering “Hey, don’t bed-down in there.”
My most difficult and maybe the funniest lesson in this school of hard-luck came when we were visiting the home of one of my students in China. There were only two rooms for him, us, his parents, and his 93-year-old grandmother. When I had to make a move in the middle of the night, my wife helped me locate the only toilet (outdoors!) and waited while a fumbled in the dark trying to balance the flashlight, my pants, and the paper over a small hole in the ground. I guess I was successful, but I never saw the damages. The most important lesson from all this is: never travel without some sort of discardable paper in your pocket.
7 responses to “TOILETS I HAVE MET”
Right! I always have toilet paper in my car. Did you know that only about 40% of Japanese have toilets as we know them, even though Japan has developed the most advanced toilet in the world. Your squatting skills would come in handy there. As a child of the South in the U.S. I am no stranger to the outhouse. And there you had to look out for snakes, rats, possums, and other assorted critters such as black widow spiders. I even carry toilet paper with me when I walk in the forest in Finland. You never know.
Your target practice in the movie-house bathroom (to which most boys can relate) reminded me of a sign used in some men’s rooms: “Our aim is to keep this toilet clean–and your aim will help!”
Thanks Gary for your “readership” Paz, jerry
I started off smiling but descended into tears of laughter! As they say out on the wide internet, LMAO!
Lessons learned, to boot!:
1. Learn to squat.
2. Carry paper.
Your inductive defense of Toilet Pluralism is impressive, and reminiscent of Aristotle’s lost argument against the theory of forms, in which he himself enumerated the many ways in which “toilet” is said.
This is indeed a wisdom upon which every aspiring and actualized phronimos can sit!
Yikes – Brendan, can you document Aristotle’s quote for me ? Paz, jerry
Aristotle famously remarks in Metaphysics Γ.2 that “‘Being’ is said in many ways.” In Physics, he tells us ’cause’ is said in many ways; in Ethics, he says, ‘Friend’ is said in many ways; etc. Each of these reflects Aristotle’s whittling away at Plato’s claims of ultimate conceptual univocity.
I admit doubting that Aristotle literally pointed out that ‘toilet’ is said in many ways. But, as you point out, there are at least 1. outhouse benches, 2. porcelain thrones, and 3. holes in the ground — along with diverse culturally techniques and practices for interacting effectively with each system. While no single Form of Toilet emerges here, there is surely an Aristotelian plurality. Wittgenstein might say, “We see a complicated network of similarities overlapping and criss-crossing: sometimes overall similarities, sometimes similarities of detail” (PI 66). (Well, in this case, Plato’s defenders would surely point to a functional unity of all toilets, perhaps based on biology with culture supplying variables. But I won’t descend into the bowels of it here.)